FUNNY TEXT MESSAGES!!!

Here are 100 funny, witty, crazy text messages to send to your friends, enemies and family...Enjoy!!

1 A dentist married a manicurist and they have been fighting tooth and nail ever since!

2 Many a women started out playing with fire and ended up cooking over it!

3 Mosqitoes are nature´s way of fighting nudity!

4 Even if you can´t read a girl like a book, its nice to thumb the pages!

5 Nature seems determined to make us work. The less hair we comb, the more face we have to wash!

6 The best way to drive your wife crazy is to smile in your sleep!

7 More husbands would leave home if they knew how to pack their suitcases!

8 Women are smarter than men. They have figures to prove it!

9 The skirts are getting shorter and the necklines lower. I would like to be there when they meet together!

10 A divorce costs much than a marriage but its worth it!

11 A smart husband is one who thinks twice before saying nothing!

12 Business is so bad that some hotels are stealing towels from the guests!

13 Virginity is like a ballon. One prick and its gone!

14 History repeats itself because no one pays attention to it the first time!

15 Men and mice are just the same. Pussy gets them both in the end!

16 Marriage isn´t a word but a sentence!

17 When we are right nobody remembers. But when we are wrong nobody forgets!

18 The differenve between HERPES and AIDS is that one is a love story and the other is a fairy tale!

19 Never marry for money, you will borrow it cheaper!

20 What is the definition of unskilled labour? A pregnant prostitute!


21 Love is a game that is never called off on account of bad light!

22 Love your enemies. It will drive them crazy!

23 Mobile phones are the only subject on which men boast about who´s got the smallest!
24 To err is human but to blame the computer is even more human!

25 It is better to sleep on things beforehand than to lie awake on them afterwards!

26 Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die!

27 Police never wait for backup!

28 Up with dresses, down with pants!

29 Capitalism is the survival of the fattest!

30 God created orgasm because he couldn´t wait for the second coming!

31 Home is where you hang your @!

32 The e-mail of the species is deadlier than the mail!

33 A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click!

34 You can´t teach a new mouse old clicks!

35 Speak softly and carry a cell phone!

36 C:\ is the root of all directories!

37 Pentium-wise pen & paper foolish!

38 The modem is the message!

39 Too many clicks spoil the browse!

40 The geek shall inherit the earth!

41 A chat has nine lives!

42 Don´t byte off more than you can view!

43 Fax is stronger than fiction!

44 What boots up must come down!

45 Windows will never cease!

46 In Gates we trust!

47 A user and his leisure time are soon parted!

48 Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach him to use the net and he won´t bother you for weeks!

49 My wife dresses to kill and she also cooks the same way!

50 A good wife always forgives her husband when she is wrong!

51 My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met!

52 I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury!

53 The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret!

54 When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her!

55 I haven´t spoken to my wife in 18 months - I don´t like to interrupt her!

56 My girlfriend told me that I should be more affectionate. So I got myself two girlfriends!

57 Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished!

58 The trouble with being the best man at a wedding is that you never get to prove it!

59 A few good quotes: 1. Nobody dies a virgin, life f*** us all; 2. I was born brilliant, education ruined me;

60 Don't drink water, fishes f*** in it.

61 A priest lost his parrot, asked during mass. Anyone got a bird? All men stood up. I mean, anyone seen a bird? All women stood up. I mean, anyone seen my bird? All nuns stood up!

62 Love is like a bowl of oatmeal; warm, mushy and good for you. Lust is like soup, it is only good when it is hot.

63 God saw your parents hungry, He created pizzas. God saw they are thirsty, He created Pepsi. He saw them walking, He created car. He saw them without problems, He created you!

64 Dying husband: I have something to tell you. Wife: Don't speak, just rest. Husband: No, I must confess, I had sex with your sister and your best friend. Wife: Sshhh. I know! That's why I poisoned you!

65 What is the difference between a new husband and a new dog? After one year, the dog is still excited to see you.

66 What is a difference between a Kiss, a Car and a Monkey? A kiss is so dear, a car is too dear and a monkey is U dear.

67 I want u... To be with me In a nice Restaurent To have candle light dinner.... & to say say those sweet three words to U.... "Pay The Bill"

68 When u get ths SMS, send it to 1 person U luv, 1 u hate, 1 u always think of & 1 u wish to kill. now keep guessing why I send it to u!!

69 U r a nice person... but..U have to do 2 things early in the morning... 1st. pray to God so that u can live.... 2nd.take a bath so that others can live....

70 In heaven together we were in a big hall. An Angel told us to write our sins before going in, but before l could start writing any thing l heard you calling for ''EXTRA SHEET''.

71 A baby monkey asked his mother"Mom, why r we so ugly"???Mom said - Thank GOD we look like this, u should see the person reading this SMS

72 Not every flower can represent love but roses did it. Not every tree can stand thirst, but cactus did it. Not every monkey can read SMS but hey you just did! Enjoy your day, and dont forget to smile!

73 Husband & wife are like liver and kidney. Husband is liver & wife kidney. If liver fails, kidney fails. If kidney fails, liver manages with other kidney.

74 Dad to Son : When I beat u how do u control your anger. son: I start cleaning toilet. Dad: how does that satisfy you? Son: I clean with ur tooth brush.

75 Dad to Son : When I beat u how do u control your anger. son: I start cleaning toilet. Dad: how does that satisfy you? Son: I clean with ur tooth brush.

FEBRUARY 27TH IN HISTORY!!!

What I'll start from now on is check out events that happened in the past on every particular date. I'll call it 'Today in history'. Let's be more enlightened about the world we live in, by knowing what happened in the past, because that is the only way we can understand the future. Right guys? Right!

So let's look at today February 27th in history

1991 End of the Gulf War after the last of the Iraqi troops have retreated from Kuwait.

1981 Former British Prime Minister Harold Wilson announces he will not be standing for Parliament again at the next General Election.

1965 Goldie' the eagle escapes from London Zoo and settles in Regents Park before being re-captured 12 days later.

1933 The Reichstag building in Berlin is destroyed by fire.

1907 London's main criminal court, the 'Old Bailey' is built on the site of Newgate Prison.

1900 The formation of the Labour Representation Committee in Britain by the Independent Labour Party, the Fabian Society, the Social Democratic Federation and trade unions at a conference in London. Aim: to increase the independent representation of working people in Parliament. Committee secretary was future Labour Prime Minister Ramsey MacDonald.

1900 Boer leader Piet Cronje and his army surrender to British commander Lord Roberts at Paardeberg during Boer War.

1879 Discovery of saccharin by chemists in Baltimore.

1557 First Russian Embassy is established in London.

BIRTHDAYS
1941 British politician Paddy Ashdown.

1932 American film actress Elizabeth Taylor.

1930 American actress Joanne Woodward.

1902 American writer John Steinbeck.His best-known novel: 'The Grapes of Wrath' (1939). Other works include 'East of Eden' (1952) and 'The Winter of Our Discontent' (1961). Awarded the Nobel Prize for Literature in 1962. Dies 1968.

1901 Italian sculptor and painter Mario Marini. Best known for equestrian statues of horse and rider.

1807 Poet Henry Longfellow.

1735 John Arbuthnot. Scottish mathematician and physician to Queen Anne.

I'm so excited about this new idea I came up with. There's nothing I love more than history...ok maybe fashion and modeling...add writing to that. Other than those, history is 'it' for me. Hope you guys will appreciate and love this. Can't wait to load it up for you everyday.

GUESS WHO THESE PEOPLE ARE.

I'm going to give y'all a task. Whenever you're free and feel like working your mind a little, this is where you should be. Look closely at the pictures of these men below, some are living, some are long dead but one thing they all have in common is greatness. They have all contributed in one way or the other to the bettermant of this world. Some names are quite popular but the faces behind the names aren't so, which is the case in most of these men I have below. So see if you can guess who is who.



Picture A


Picture B


Picture C


Picture D


Picture E




Picture F


Picture G


Picture H


Picture I


Picture J



Picture K


Picture L


Picture M


Picture N


Picture O


Picture P


Picture Q


Picture R


Picture S


Picture T

There are 20 pictures above and there 20 names below, see if you can match the pictures to the names. So pick out a paper and pen and start solving the puzzle. Just write aiv, kii sxiv etc. Later I'll load up the correct answers for you all but first, lets see how much you know the people in your world.

i=Adolf Hassler, Founder, Adidas
ii=Steve Forbes, Founder, Forbes Magazine
iii=Joe Jackson, Michael Jackson's father
iv=Paul Fireman, Founder, Reebok
v=Ray Kroc, Founder, Macdonalds
vi= Franklin Roosevelt, Former US President
vii=Henry Ford, Founder, Ford Motors
viii= Richard Williams, Venus/Serena's father
ix= Edouard Heuer, Founder, Tag Heuer
x= Guccio Gucci, Founder, Gucci Label
xi= Walt Disney, Founder, Walt Disney Pictures/Disney world
xii= Winston Churchill, Former UK Prime Minister
xiii= Gottlieb Daimler, Founder, Daimlers Motors
xiv= John Johnson, Founder, Ebony Magazine
xv= Christian Dior, Founder, Christian Dior Label
xvi= Phil Knight, Founder, Nike
xvii= Earl Woods, Tiger Wood's father
xviii= Paul Allen, Co-founder, Microsoft
xix= Nicholas Hayek, Founder, Swatch
xx= Emil Jellinek, Founder, Mercedes Benz

Have a great time working this one out.

2007 THISDAY AWARD: AND THE WINNERS ARE..

. Governor of The Year: Adamu Mu’azu/Donald Duke

• Minister of The Year: Obiageli Ezekwesili


• Senator of The Year: Ken Nnamani

• Govt Person of The Year: Charles Soludo/Ifueko Omoigui

• Representative of The Year: Farouk Lawan

• Bank of The Year: UBA Plc

• Most Improved Bank: Oceanic Bank Plc

• Banker of The Year: Jim Ovia

• Best Bank in Mergers: Diamond Bank

• Stock Offer of the Year: Intercontinental Bank

• Transaction of The Year: BPE/Transcorp NITEL Deal

• Product of The Year: Indomie Noodles

• Brand of The Year: Celtel/GTBank Brand

• Car of The Year: Honda Accord I-VTEC

• Hotel of The Year: Eko Hotel & Suites

• Airline of The Year: Virgin Nigeria Airlines

• CSR Coy of The Year: Zenith Bank Plc

• Company of The Year: Globacom Ltd

• Young Mgr of The Year: Wale Tinubu/Oando

• Regulator of The Year: NCC

• Sportsman of The Year: Nwankwo Kanu

• CEO of The Year: Aliko Dangote

• Entpnr. of The Year: Aliko Dangote/Obajana Cement

• Oil Mkt Coy of the Year: Zenon

• Oil & Gas Coy of The Year: NLNG

• Insurance Coy of The Year: Leadway

• ICT Coy of The Year: Zinox Technologies

• Govt Agency of The Year: NTA

Those who bagged the Lifetime Achievement Award Winners are Dr. Christopher Abebe, Gen. Abdulsalami Abubakar, Most Rev. Peter Akinola, Dr. Kofi Annan, Chief Philip Asiodu, Alhaji Aminu Dantata, Chief Cyprian Ekwensi, Dr. Alex Ekwueme, Alhaji Wahab Iyanda Folawiyo, Amb. Christopher Kolade, Dr. Moses Majekodunmi, Alhaji Alade Odunewu, Chief Chris Oladipo Ogunbanjo, Chief Adekunle Ojora, Mr. Gamaliel Onosode, Dr. Olusola Saraki, Alhaji Shehu Shagari, Alhaji Umaru Shinkafi, Chief Ernest Shonekan and Alhaji Bamanga Tukur.

How come no woman bagged a Lifetime Achievemant Award...hmmm? What do you guys think about this Award and it's winners? Send me your thoughts.

CLEEVAGE DO'S AND DON'TS

Paula Abdul

Paula is a don't. She looks like she just got out of surgery and has Ace bandages wrapped around her to hold her together so that there's minimal scarring! The dress is pulling so tightly that it's not only pushing her bust down and making it unattractive, but it's also giving her that sort of third boob, that underarm boob, which is not necessary.


Jennifer Hudson

She's a 'do' for sure - she's given herself a sexier silhouette by virtue of that halter, giving her a nice long line. It's attractive because she's younger and her breasts are still perky enough. In 10 years she can't wear that halter dress without the Brooklyn Bridge being underneath her!"


Christina Aguilera

There's just too much distance between her bust, so it leans more towards a don't than a do. But I like the way she looks. This dress looks cute on her, but I wish there was a little more cleavage. The real do here would be to use those silicone cups which would've given her a fuller cup and a little more cleavage in the center.


Fergie

Fergie is a 'do' because she has a dress that's perfectly executed for her bust. It's fabulous and beautiful and that neckline is really pretty on her - it doesn't work on everybody. She's got the right sized chest and that's the biggest you can go with that square neck without looking like Paula Abdul."


LeAnn Rimes

It's not a 'do' and it's not a 'don't' - it's just okay, but it could've been better. She's very safe. I would've encouraged her to use those self-adhesive cookies to give her a fuller bust. They would've helped fill out the gathering in the fabric and given her a more voluptuous silhouette"


This is courtesy Us Magazine!!!

IDOLS WEST AFRICA!!!

Some Idol West Africa contestants!!!


Riel Uzamere


Somto Akunyili (So far has the best voice)


Aku Maurice


Simon Hindan


Atimi Margaret Deinere

I can't believe I am yet to reported about the biggest thing happening in the whole of West Africa right now. Idols West Africa has arrived and the search begins for the first West African Idol – a solo singing sensation who will be able to represent West Africa at home and abroad.

Idols West Africa is open to any person between the ages of 18 and 30 (as of 1 January 2007), who are residents of the West African countries of - Benin, Burkina Faso, Cape Verde, Cote d'Ivoire, Gambia, Ghana, Guinea, Guinea-Bissau, Liberia, Mali, Mauritania, Niger, Nigeria, Saint Helena, Senegal, Sierra Leone and Togo.

Castings have already been done in Lagos, Abuja, Calabar and Ghana and 24 finalists have already been Selected by the three JUDGES comprising of Nigerian Afro beat musician Dede Mabiaku, Ghanian singing sensation Nana Abrewa and American born-Nigerian based radio DJ, Dan Foster.

All 24 contestants are presently holed up in a hotel at Ikeja in lagos, having voice lessons and its like. Goodluck to all of them. Maybe the best 'man' win!


Idols West Africa airs 24 hours on DSTV channel 37. Check it out!

FOUR FRENCH NATIONALS SHOT DEAD IN SAUDI ARABIA

Four French nationals, some of them Muslims, were shot dead in Saudi Arabia on Monday February 26th in what appeared to be a militant attack, the state's television said.

It said a group of eight French nationals came under fire near the town of Tabuk in the northwest of the vast desert country as they were heading to the holy city of Mecca for a pilgrimage.

Two of the group died at the scene and two others died later in hospital, the report said. The group include four women and a child but it was not clear if they were among the dead.

I usually don't like reporting sad events but this caught my attention. The killing happened in SAUDI ARABIA, a country which is supposed to be the most peaceful Arab nation in the world. I have a British friend who works in an oil comapny over there, I hope they don't get to him. But does this mean that this country is no longer safe for foreigners? It's a sad world we live in.

May the souls of those departed live in perfect peace. Amen.

EDDIE MURPHY STORMS OUT OF OSCAR AWARD.

Is Eddie Murphy a sore loser? After failing to nab the award for Best Supporting Actor, loosing to Little Miss Sunshine’s Alan Arkin, Murphy tried to brush off the loss, telling reporters, "It's fine. It happens. It's OK."

But clearly it wasn't. The sore looser was visibly upset and shortly after loosing, Murphy, 45, and girlfriend Tracey Edmonds left the show and didn’t return. He didn't bother to stick around and watch his Dreamgirls castmates perform and he also wasn't there to see his co-star, Jennifer Hudson, pick up her Oscar for Best Supporting Actress.

But really, did Eddie expect to win? For what? His performance in Dreamgirls wasn't spectacular. Maybe he deserved a nomination, barely, but a win? Lai lai. I have absolutely no idea why "The Golden Globes' gave him a win. I'm glad he lost. Sore losers don't deserve to win! By the way Eddie, how do you expect things to go well with you when you dumped your pregnant girlfriend? Get real and take responsiblity for your actions. Looser!!!

DARE ART ALADE IS MARRIED!

Dare Art Alade is married. Beautiful! I've been hearing the gist for a while now but refused to report it until I heard it From the horse's mouth. Nice! He said it himself at the Thisday Award show where he was one of the MC's. Cute! Dare is married. Incredible! What's better than finding someone who completes you? Great feeling! Dare is 25/26 years old? Wow! Couldn't he have waited till he was at least 30? Mind your own business Linda.

Congrats to Dare and his new wife Deola who got hitched on the 17th of February 2007. Happy married life!!!

LEMAR AND DIANA ROSS IN NIGERIA.

Lemar Obika


Diana Ross

How could I have forgotten to tell y'all? Lemar and living legend Diana Ross were in Nigeria just this last weekend. They both performed at the 12th Annual Thisday Awards, which held on the 24th of February, 2007, at the Muson Center, Onikan, Lagos.

I saw it live...hmm...I mean...I saw it live on television. I'd had absolutely no idea that such a thing was about to happen in Nigeria. Had I known, I would have gone to the end of this world to find a pass to that show. Common people, Lemar in Nigeria and I didn't see it live? That's so unfair. And Diana Ross? That's even more painful.

Lemar's performance
Lemar said that was his first time of coming to Nigeria in fifteen years. That's a sad thing to happen. I'm not routing for Lemar anymore. He should come home more often. He churned out most of his popular music and the crowd consisting mostly of the 'elites', couldn't have enough of him.

His performance was beautiful. He sang all his popular songs and there was absolutely no alteration in his voice. You would think he was miming, but my boy wasn't. He performed live. Incredible voice.

Diana Ross's performance
Her band performed for about 5minutes before she came on stage singing her hit song and my all-time favourite Diana Ross song, 'I'm coming out'. The crowd went wild immediately she appeared on stage. She rightfully received a standing ovation. After that, she performed two songs from 'The Supremes' album. She sang songs from her 60's, 70's, 80's album. The people watching her live had a great time, especially the women. They just couldn't stop singing along, dancing and clapping in excitement. It was a beautiful thing to see. Diana would have felt really appreciated and loved.

But something happened that shouldn't have happened. At a point during her performance, a man clad in agbada carrying a bunch of flowers tried to climb the stage to give the flowers to Diana but she stopped him with a hand gesture, and said 'you have no right to come on my stage' then she continued singing. The embarrassed 'big man' disrespectfully threw the flowers on stage beside Diana, who still paid no attention to him. Somebody from her crew came to pick the flowers up. After that particular performance, Diana left the stage. Now, I don't know if she left the stage because of the incident or if she'd been planning to leave after that performance but anyway, she came back on stage and performed 'I will Survive'. I guess somebody backstage must have told her she hadn't performed the particular song Nigerian's love to bits. That was her final performance and she left the stage amidst shouting, clapping and hailing from the crowd.

Did I also tell you that she changed 5 times? And the speed at which she changed was alarming, especially because her clothes were tight fitting/figure hugging. She's been performing for over 45 years now, she must know the tricks of changing outfits fast. Anyway, apart from the flower incident, everything went well. It was her first time in Nigeria, Let's hope she had a good time.

After the two performances, I went to bed. Congrats to everyone who won an award. By the way, does anyone know how I can contact Lemar? He looks like the man I saw in my dream. lol

MORE 2007 OSCAR PICTURES!!!

Mark Wahlberg and Partner


James Bond's Daniel Craig


Sasha Cohen (Borat) and partner


Mr and Mrs. Spike Lee


Ellen Degeneres's better half, Portia De Rossi


Kate Winslet


Anne Hathaday


Djimon Hounsou


Eddy Murphy and Tracy Edmond


Best Actor, Forest Whitaker


J Lo and Mark Anthony


Leonardo Dicaprio


Jada, Jaden and Will Smith

2007 GRAMMY AWARD PICTURES!!!

Cate Blanchett


Nicole Kidman


Kirsten Durnst


Actress, Cameron Diaz


Naomi Watts


Rachel Weizs


Actress, Jessica Biel


Jennifer Lopez


Beyonce


Best Support Actress nominee, Abigail Breslin


Gywneth Paltrow


2006 Oscar Best Actress, Reese Witherspoon


Jodie Foster

Best Support Actress, Jennifer Hudson

Best Support Actor, Alan Arkin

Best Actress Nominee, Penelope Cruz

Best Support Director, Martin Scorsese


Best Actress, Helen Mirren.


From the pictures above, who is the best and worst dressed of them all? I think J.Lo is best dressed and Cameron Diaz worst dressed. No? Let me know who you choose.